| (no subject) |
[Feb. 9th, 2007|02:20 am] |
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So I just got back to my room. Hung out with Mike for a like the past 3 hours, totally procrastinating the interview simulation I have to prepare for tomorrow. Now I'm all amped up on energy drinks and sugar.... woo! I don't think I'm going to sleep tonight. But things seem much more cheery. I have about six hours to figure this out... and I'm really not stressin. wooooo. I have this feeling of just being care free. I want to just like go outside without shoes on and run around being silly. Maybe I'm happy that the weekend is finally here. I really was able to focus more today on things that I needed to get done. I really didn't talk to anyone, or waste time. I guess I'm regaining some sense of control? I don't know. I'm going to just be patient and see how things pan out next week. I'm going to try really hard to not overanalyze things and just enjoy the ride. The Irene you once knew, full of zest and life is on her way back! Wooo! Or maybe I'm just going crazy? =) |
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| (no subject) |
[Feb. 8th, 2007|04:12 am] |
And here I write again.
I was so exhausted today. I remember feeling like this back in sophomore year of high school. Everything just kept going and going, there wasn’t time for anything, not even to breathe. Tonight, I crashed at around 12, and woke up at around 3. Why? I don’t know, but I’ve learned that its pointless to just lay in bed without sleeping. *Of course I am still currently laying in bed.* I have a very lazy lifestyle now. I consider my room this kind of black hole. If I’m in my room I’m either in my bed online... in my bed reading/working for a class (doesn’t happen often) or in my bed sleeping. The rest of my room is a complete disgusting filthy mess and I hate it. I can’t stand it, and yet I’m just so scared of it I can’t bring myself to clean it. But it just adds to the list of things that I’m supposed to be doing in the back of my mind. It adds to my anxiety and inability to focus. I know everyone says they procrastinate, but for me it’s a very real problem. My parents have to remind me to do things hundreds of times before I actually do them... and sometimes I still don’t and they do them for me. I fear the day where I have to be independent and take care of myself. Independence is something I admire, and greatly aspire to achieve, but I think I’m really just scared. Independence also means being alone. Not alone physically, but in the sense that yes, you are finally fending for yourself in this big scary world. I pretend to assert this kind of confidence in myself. Most people who know me, probably think I’m assertive, independent, and free-spirited. This is yet another façade. I am really a coward. I am really scared, and I just want to be accepted and liked. I depend on other people for validation of myself. I fear that I could very easily disappear and nobody would notice or even care. I’d just be that girl. Sometimes people ask me “where have you been?” I just respond, oh I’ve been around... When really I think to myself, if you actually cared you would have bothered to find out.
I am sad. For some reason I just have this sad feeling within me all the time. I can’t get rid of it. I’ll try and distract myself from it, but its presence is always lingering. Just like the emptiness in the pit of my stomach - and in my heart. My heart aches with some sort of desperation. I can’t really describe how it feels. Its like my emotional pain has turned into physical pain. But its not the same kind of physical pain as one feels when they scrape their knee or cut themselves. Its much worse and doesn’t get better. I can’t just put some ice on it or cover it with a band-aid. I can’t just take some painkillers and forget about it. Yet I struggle to get rid of it. This is why I love drinking on the weekends. If I could be drunk all the time I would, because if even in some kind of falsified moment I am happy. *There are of course... those times when things don't work out right, and I just become more sad.* Or at least I think I am happy. The world doesn’t seem like such a bad place. I can forget about everything, and just enjoy the company of my friends and the frequent Dominoes to fakely fill that emptiness in my stomach. But everything always comes to an end. The next morning, even without a physical hangover I feel like shit. Did I really just go out again when I have so many things to do? Do I really have no control over myself? Why can’t I get my priorities straight. I know what I need to do, even what I want to do and yet I just can’t do it. I live in the moment, and can’t seem to set the present aside for what I really care about in the future. But maybe thats because I have no fucking clue what I care about.
In everything I do I always feel like a let down. I feel like I constantly have to make excuses for myself, because I didn’t try hard enough, or didn’t play my part. Excuse after excuse, I am really the one who has to live with them. Live with the knowledge that I was just too lazy to go, or I wasn’t really sick, or I just avoided working hard out of fear of failure. I tell myself I could do things if I just tried. That I’m not really stupid but just lazy. Is lazy really much better than stupid? And what if I find out that yes I really am stupid AND lazy? Then what? What happens when I really do give it my all, and I still don’t succeed? I just can’t do it. I want someone to just tell me everything is okay and everything will be okay. I want someone to guide me and tell me what I should do next. And yet that same guidance I so eagerly seek only discomforts me more. My advisor asked, “what do you see yourself doing in 10 years?” I just blankly looked at him. I really have no idea. I mean I guess I’m a clinical psych major. Have I really thought about what I actually want to be doing? I've thought about it... but just really don't know. I fear being constrained to some life that I don’t want. I fear not having an escape or another chance to fix things.
I want to live on the edge, and never experience the monotony of life that I see my parents go through every day. They aren't living, they are just existing. But who am I to judge? Who am I to say that they aren't perfectly content, and don't want anything else from life? Am I really in a place to make such a claim when I myself am just existing. But I feel I am conflicted in almost every desire I have. I want to make a lot of money, yet I want to enjoy what I do, and what I enjoy doing doesn’t necessarily make a lot of money. I lie and pretend that money isn’t an issue. Who am I kidding? I’m really just greedy. I can’t imagine being with someone, and working the same amount, and not making the same if not more. Maybe I'd pretend not to care, but really I would have a really low sense of worth or ability. I have this yearning to be independent, and go explore the world, and never stay in one place doing the same thing for too long, but I also really like kids and want to have a family some day - and I know that it would only be fair to settle down.
But what I really want more than anything else is to meet someone who can complete me. To meet someone who understands me. I tell myself that once this happens, if this happens, everything will be okay and nothing else will really matter. But does this person even exist - outside of the reality I create in my dreams? I’ve only ever met this person once - but nothing lasts forever. Eventually things change. I changed. She changed. I need that same person again, but this time someone who can change with me and still meet my every need. I am constantly looking for that person. I don’t understand everyone else. How can you not be in a search for that person? How can you just be with someone you don’t really like? Maybe I am too picky I tell myself. So I compromise my expectations and desires. I mean its better to be with someone less than perfect than nobody at all right? And then I am just let down. I am hurt and bewildered time after time. What did I do wrong this time? Why didn’t things work out? Why can’t I just be happy with how things are? I try and cautiously plan out every step I make and still manage to mess things up time and time again. I don’t need any more failures in life. I just can’t handle it. My heart is bruised and battered and I seek to fulfill it again. But every time it gets harder. I just get hurt again and again. I can’t trust people any more. I fear that I will never be able to give somebody all of myself like I used to. I can’t risk giving someone all of my heart and having them just throw it on the ground and stepping on it. But being overly cautious doesn’t work either. I have to just go out there, jump head first and hope everything will turn out okay. It’s a risk I just have to make, with the hope that if things don’t work out, I can just get back up and jump again. But I really don’t think I am this resilient. I fear that one day I will just fall and land on my back like a turtle. I will be flailing desperately calling for help, while everyone is just laughing at my naivety and stupidity.
These kinds of thoughts have been plaguing my life. I can’t concentrate on anything else. I try and read a book and these same persistent thoughts keep racing through my head. I try and sleep and keep myself busy to get away from them, yet they just keep bombarding me. They’re preventing me from doing what I need and want to do. These thoughts are kicking me in my knees making me weaker. I am trying so hard to keep up. I can’t keep on giving up. I have to continue, I have to persist. I am that strong I tell myself. I am strong. I can do it. But I look at myself in the mirror and see what a liar I am. I'm a fraud. Who am I trying to fool? |
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| drunk me |
[Feb. 2nd, 2007|05:12 pm] |
wow i just realized how ridiculously lonng my last entry was... haha. so anyway, last night was ridiculous. Each time I get drunk I've been getting more and more ridiculous. so yesterday I got super drunk with bosede meg and steve... and well we didn't really do much of anything, but play some videogames... and just sit around and talk. and yet.. it was so much fun. and i also managed to make it to my 3 hour long 8:30 class the next morning. Sometimes I don't understand myself... i haven't skipped this class once, even tho for the past three weeks i got drunk the night before and only got like 3 hours of drunken sleep... and yet i have such a difficult time making it to my 10:30 or even my 1:30 classes. so anyway... remnants of last nights events:
I remember trying to order pizza, and apparently the first thing I said was "HI! My name is Irene and I go to Tufts University and I want pizza!" then the lady kept trying to hang up on me... cuz i guess she realized I was drunk. she was like "call back later" and I just kept tlaking and talking... and she repeats herself "i'm really busy.. can you call back later" and then I yelled at her. and said something like. NO! I JUST WANT PIZZA! *don't totally remember what I said* but we got our pizza. =)
then Bosede reminded me of a few events:
Bobo: i just remember i was talking to steve and meghan was texting
Bobo: and you were trying to talk to steve
Bobo: and so you just kept yelling
Bobo: and you were like spelling your name or something
Bobo: and it was HI-larious
Bobo: and you were like, 'no i just get pissed coz NO ONES listening to me!
Bobo: and then you called us monkeys
Bobo: and i was like.. im offended
Bobo: and you said, dude. you are so not offended coz your laughing, thats bullshit. besides, i like monkeys
Bobo: classic irene style
Bobo: and the best one
Bobo: was when you were just screaming about nothing
Bobo: and you looked at me.. and i was like.. I HAVE NO WORDS FOR YOU
Bobo: and you were like 'what, there are a lot of words for me! like fun and awesome and irene'
Bobo: and i said, 'and crispy' [like from charlottes web]
Bobo: and you stopped.. and you looked really confused
Bobo: and you were like 'what? no? like rice crispy treats!??"
Bobo: and we were all laughing our asses off.. steve was on the floor and i ran to the bathroom coz i had to pee
Bobo: and apparently you went on about rice crispy treats for like 10 minutes afterwards
Bobo: and i took off my sweatshirt at some pt- i was wearing a shirt underneath that said fbi and you were like 'o0o fbi. im so scared. what are you gonna do, arrest me? i didnt do anything, etc...'
Bobo: and you went on and on and on
Bobo: like i said, good times
and then according to Meghan:
Meg: wow
Meg: i am still laughing about last night!
Meg: you were leaning over the frying pan for a good long time
Meg: and then you attacked us with this bottle
Meg: like a squeezy bottlee
Meg: and you tried to squeeze it
Meg: but it was empty
Meg: but you kept threatening to use it
Meg: even though it was empty
Oh and then I eventually made it home last night... and mistook my neighbors door for mine. And she just so happened to not have her door closed all the way. So drunk Irene barges into Ariana's room at around 4 AM and scares the shit out of her. The Ariana that already hates me, and complains to me almost every day. I go "OH SHIT" and quickly leave. ahahaha. |
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| (no subject) |
[Jan. 31st, 2007|05:40 pm] |
Anonymous commenter is right. I can't give up writing. My head is already spinning with thoughts that its driving me crazy.
Most of these thoughts are related to my women's studies class that I again attended today. *yay me for two days in a row of not skipping class!*
In our last class, there was a male "visitor," I assumed he had just joined the class and didn't think anything of it. I was happy that there was a courageous man out there who cared enough to join the class. Even if he was only there for that day, he still sat through a 75 minute class... who does that without being the slightest bit interested?
Anyway, during last class we were discussing the texts, and began relating them to society in general. Some females in the class began making generalizations such as "men always assume that if I'm upset or emotional its just because I'm PMSing." Such things like that. Which surely happens. Anyway, after a whole bunch of generalizations, this male rose his hand and began to "defend his gender." Its like we had started a war. A war with about 50 females in the class and one male. All he said was, that it was unfair to make such gross generalizations, because he himself has never done so, etc. I agreed. The TA then argued that he hadn't done any of the readings and therefore was not justified to comment. So what if he hadn't done any of the readings? Our discussion initially applied to the readings, but then became very relevant to the issues in society today. I'm sure if I had "defended the male gender," I wouldn't have been accused of not reading the texts, which I hadn't. But my opinion would of had more value since it was coming from a female.
So today in class our teacher decided to discuss the situation of this male who decided to visit our class. She seemed upset that he had doneso without actually joining the class. If I was him, after that I probably wouldn't have wanted to be in the class either. Anyway, the TA made a comment about how the females in the class didn't clearly think what they were saying when they made such generalizations, when really they were just referring to their own experiences. Okay, so I'm sure he hadn't spent the prior week thinking and editing what he was going to say either. Then our teacher said that his presence made some females feel like they no longer had a voice. She was upset that he was so comfortable and at ease at voicing his opinion. Since when is this a bad thing?! We should work hard to create a climate where everyone can voice their opinion. Clearly we may not agree with everyones opinions, and some may even be offensive. But silencing them is not the answer. He could make a statement, and then we could prove how he was wrong. Not everything is always going to be censored, and we need to learn how to defend ourselves and be strong and still voice our opinions. She then said how if it was the reverse, if it was one female in a class with all males, we wouldn't have spoken up with such ease. Another gross generalization. I really believe I would have spoken up. And I mean I'm sure other females wouldn't have- but is that really his fault? Should we be upset that this male didn't have a problem voicing his opinion, because we DO have a problem? No. The real problem is that we need to be strong and opinionated, and not scared to share those opinions. Silence is never the answer. Anyway... thats just what I felt... and I think some others in the class felt the same way. I almost feel like the TA was just TRYING to be offended. Trying to blame what he said because he was some "ignorant, male."
Anyway, then later in the class we started talking about power. And how males are the ones with the power, and females are not. And that even if its not obvious, its still there, etc. Then we started talking about relationships, and how the males always have the power in the relationships etc, and if we believed that they didn't, it was because we learned to believe that etc. Some females in the class disagreed and said that they were in a very equal relationship, and possibly even had more power. This discussion really split me up. I found myself having contradicting thoughts. I do think that once a steady relationship is formed, it is possible to have equal power, or for the female to have more power. However I strongly believe that in the stages before that this rarely happens. I'm not saying its not possible... but it just rarely does. As a bisexual female, or well really just a female who has been in a long term relationsihp with a female, I can very clearly notice this differences in power. And its the little things... the little things that aren't really a big deal, but the more you think about it... are indeed unfair. I am someone who never likes to feel inferior. I like just doing what I want, and not thinking twice about it. I try and stick with my beliefs and act accordingly... but yet I feel this very strong pressure to act in a certain way. I shouldn't chase a male. I should wait for him to call me, I shouldn't ask someone out, I shouldn't initiate the first move, I shouldn't pay for a date, etc. Sure, I can decide to act otherwise, but then what? Then these males are intimidated by me, think something is wrong with me, don't like women like that - or even better just think I'm slutty and just want to get on with it. So if I'm super assertive I must just want to jump right into sex and such. Or if I'm asking someone out.. I just want to hookup with them. Or usually when on a date, I don't even bother to insist on going dutch anymore - I wouldn't even try to pay myself. They're just trying to be nice right? So I just accept that, and tell myself they're not meaning to offend me, its just the way society has constructed our roles. And if I do insist on paying? "Why can't she just let me do something for her? I feel insulted, why is she rejecting this? or.. wow she must be some super bra burning feminist... she needs to just chill out and not get so offended over things." And yet, I was reading some forums the other day about feminism, and the inequality of pay in the workforce. And some man said - "well we should get more money because we're expected to pay for more things. we're expected to take you out on dates and buy you presents." - thats exactly the problem, i never asked you to pay for me, and then if you're going to insist on paying how can you blame me for that? not to mention the large numbers of females who are NOT in relationships who dont have ppl paying for things for them, or the females who have already reached a point in the relationship where its more equal. In a relationship with a girl, this kind of a dilemma doesn't even occur. Okay, so how about... well he asked you out on the date, so thats why he should pay. So if I was honestly, to ask for your number, then call you, ask you out on a date, you would go, and be perfectly okay with me paying for you? Somehow... I really can't see that happening. You would feel like "less of a man" or some bullshit like that. Or how about another common occurrence - opening doors. Really, you don't have to go out of your way to open the door for me... I'm perfectly capable... don't be ridiculous... okay I tell myself once again.. you don't mean to offend me... you're just trying to be nice. Well sure fine, if you're already at the door. But what if I was at the door, and held it for you, would you go through? I've done this on a few occasions, and have had guys literally walk through a different door because they couldn't walk through a door that I was holding.. or if not, it was like they then tried to hold it, and insisted that I go first. Its like I have to tell them to just go through the damn door. So I don't really bother anymore.. its not worth it. I always hold doors open for other females, but for males... I don't want to hurt their little male egos. I'm sure there are many more examples of this kind of thing. I don't like feeling weaker, or being treated as if I am. I am capable of carrying things, I am capable of walking back to my dorm thanks. Or how about that time- senior year in highschool, when you(this guy) were sitting next to me and were cold, and kept bitching about it, and I had a hoodie that I wasn't using because i already had a long sleeved shirt on. And it was a mens hoodie, and I told you that, so it would fit you... thats not a problem. but when I offered it to you, you absolutely refused to wear it, and you said "I can't take that from you cuz your a girl." And then continued to bitch about the cold. Stop being a dumbass. Why can't you take it from me? Is it not good enough for you? Anyway... I kind went astray... but I guess my point is, there are still all these little gender roles which I find very obvious, which I guess most ppl just accept and don't even think about. And I constantly remind myself to try and fit into this role... I don't want to be too this... or too that... or he won't like me... or I fucked that up because I was too assertive... etc. And yeh, I could just constantly make a big deal over everything.. and have everyone just annoyed with me, and ppl think i'm just being ridiculous. I could... but really I just think to myself.. stop trying to be so stubborn.. its not a huge deal, it doesnt really bother you does it? It doesn't bother anyone else, so why does it bother you? you don't want to keep fucking things up with potentially good guys because you're such a damn equalist.
But I still feel like this constant rock inside of me, that bothers me, and sometimes I can't quite figure out exactly what it is.. I can't always describe it in words, but yes I do feel inferior, and I hate it. |
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| I'm sorry |
[Jan. 28th, 2007|02:09 pm] |
I had an epiphany this morning.
I really feel the need to say sorry to everyone. I know I've hurt a lot of people in some way or another, and I'm truly sorry. I realized I am a horrible person. For once I'm not looking for any kind of sympathy, just forgiveness. I know I write in this journal as a way to calm myself down. Most of my entries are written when I'm in some sort of distress, and I try and write down many of my feelings in code, hoping that someone will read this, and understand. That someone will understand me better than myself.
I am really just one mess of a person. And I'm the only one who can clean up this mess, and the only one who cares enough to do so. Because when it comes down to it, its a lonely world. I'm the only one who can help myself. I'm the only person I can truly trust. I'm the only person that I know will always be there, and won't leave me behind. I think I'm finally beginning to accept this.
I'm going to stop overdramatizing my life. Its really not that interesting and nothing is ever really that wrong.
I have been going about my whole life the wrong way. I'm going to start appreciating things more. Appreciating the things that matter, the people who matter. I'm going to drop my stupid ego and be a better daughter, sister, friend, hallmate, student, teammate, person in general.
I'm going to stop getting wasted all the time. Momentary fun keeps leading to disastrous mistakes on my part. I feel like I'm some kind of clown who's really not funny, but just making a fool of herself.
I'm considering ending this journal. Its really just been another way for me to waste a shitload of time online. I seriously check this thing, my email, my myspace, facebook like every 30 minutes if I'm in my room... because chances are, if I'm in my room I'm either asleep or online.
I really hope that I am a strong enough person to follow through with what I say. I hate letting other people down, but worst of all, I hate letting myself down. |
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| (no subject) |
[Jan. 27th, 2007|07:48 pm] |
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I feel like I keep fucking things up. I keep misinterpreting situations, saying the wrong things at the wrong times, and well just.. being me. Maybe I am just a huge pessimist these days, but its hard not to be when everything is so very predictable. And then I sense the slightest hope, the slightest possibility that I'm wrong, I take the chance.. and get let down. Self fulfilling prophecy maybe? |
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| i think life is mocking me |
[Jan. 23rd, 2007|01:00 am] |
So I was walking back to my dorm, and realized how pretty the snow was on the ground. It was sparkling like glitter from the lights beaming down on it. I couldn't really enjoy it though, since I was cold and I'm sick. It finally snows, and I can't even enjoy it.
This semester was going to be the new me, and yet I already skipped class this morning. Its only what, the third day?! Fuckit. I went to my first women's studies class today, and I think I am going to like it very much. I was intimidated since I'm gonna have to read and write papers... both of which I hate... but I realized I love thinking and talking about this kind of stuff so it shouldn't be a problem. We broke up into groups, and I just found myself having so much to say, even though we weren't even given some topic to discuss.
This weekend was fun. Got completely shitfaced for the first time this semester. A friend I met this past summer in school randomly called me to tell me he was on his way to Tufts. That was a very nice surprise. I just realized that the past three lab partners I've had I've become good friends with all three of them. (He was my lab partner in orgo) Anyway, we chilled, and it was bizarre and felt so out of context but also super cool. Just talked about so many things. He also told me that he's now double majoring in psychology because of me. Apparently I made him realize how interested he is in it. I like knowing that I can have such an influence on people. Hopefully always a good one. Then he left, and it was just the sort of goodbye like, I'll see you again whenever I see you again if I ever see you again. I will reiterate that I hate the thought of never.
I feel sick. ugh. so sick. and I feel like I've just been bitching and whining about everything lately. And I hate being like this and feeling like this. I don't like bringing other people down with me, so I think I'm going to just quarantine myself until I feel better and can stop complaining.
My mom just told me that in some blood test they took recently I had super high TSH levels, meaning I have hypothyroidism. Whatever the hell that means. I was supposed to get another blood test over winter break but that never happened, and now I'm gonna have to get one here. What if they're still high? Will I have to take hormones? That just seems so scary, but maybe I'm just freaking out to freak out.
The news said that today is the most depressing day of the year because its cold, and most ppl have already broken their new year's resolutions and its a long time until the next holiday, and whatever other reasons that I forget.
I'm trying so hard to not have expectations. And yet all I can do is hope, and continue to hope. But I feel like this is just going to be yet another letdown. Will there be a day where I just lose all hope? I fear this day. |
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| (no subject) |
[Jan. 17th, 2007|05:58 pm] |
1. The phone rings. Who do you want it to be?
Someone asking me to hang out
2. When shopping at the grocery store, do you return your cart?
I never buy that much stuff at a grocery store
3. In a social setting, are you more of a talker or a listener?
depends who I'm with. Sometimes I can be super shy or just out of it.. or sometimes I get really hyped up and silly and don't shut up
4. Do you take compliments well?
I never really know how to react.
5. Do you play Sudoku?
I have, and I do if its there.
6. If abandoned alone in the wilderness, would you survive?
hmm. good question. I think if I really wanted to I would.
7. Your fear?
Being oh so very alone.
8. Did you ever go to camp as a kid?
just a day camp thing which was super lame
9. What was your favorite game as a kid?
Sharks and Lava.
10. If a sexy person was pursuing you, but you knew he/she was married, would you?
would I what? pursue them back? probably not
12. Could you date someone with different religious beliefs than you?
if religion was a big part of their lives it would probably complicate things. i really don't know.
13. Do you like to pursue or be pursued?
Both.
14. Use three words to describe yourself?
spontaneous, sympathetic, independent
15. Do any songs make you cry?
some make me sad perhaps, but not cry
16. Are you continuing your education?
yep
17. Do you know how to shoot a gun?
no? I didn't realize it was something complicated
18. If your house was on fire, what would be the first thing you grabbed?
my cat
19. How often do you read books?
i used to read a lot more than i do now.. i just never seem to have time or something
20. Do you think more about the past, present or future?
i really don't know. i think about all of them? maybe not so much the future, it scares me.
21. What is your favorite children's book?
The Tawny Scrawny Tiger
22.What color are your eyes?
Hazel. In light they look more green. In dark they look more brown
23. How tall are you?
between 5'1 and 5'2
24. Where is your dream house located?
no clue
25. What did you do last night?
unpacked, went online, hung out with daniel
26. What are you doing tonight?
dinner and going to see animations and then who knows
27. Have you ever taken pictures in a photo booth?
like once
28. When was the last time you were at Olive Garden?
2 years ago for valentines day. it was becoming the tradition with my group of friends
30. Where was the furthest place you traveled today?
uphill to Dowling Hall haha. It was a cold long walk..
32. Do you like mustard?
No
33. Do you prefer to sleep or eat?
oh thats tough. I'm going to have to say eat. I really like food.
34. Do you look like your mom or dad?
my dad. when my mom came to school people were surprised at how different we looked
35. How long does it take you in the shower?
depends if i'm in a rush or not. anywhere from 5-30 minutes
36. Can you do splits?
sometimes.
37. What movie do you want to see right now?
Night at the Museum
The Pursuit of Happyness
Alpha Dog
39. What did you do for New Year's?
went to downtown annapolis had dinner then partied it up in towson
40. Do you think The Grudge was scary?
didn't see it
42. Do you own a camera phone?
nope
44. Was your mom a cheerleader?
haha no
45. What's the last letter of your middle name?
i don't have a middle name
47. How many hours of sleep do you get a night?
hmm 6-12 hours
48. Do you like care bears?
sure
49. What do you buy at the movies?
nothing. i usually sneak in candy or something
50. Do you know how to play poker?
if you remind me.
51.Do you wear your seatbelt?
yep
52. What do you wear to sleep?
shorts and a t-shirt
53. Anything big ever happen in your hometown?
hmm sniper, shooting at the mall.
54. How many meals do you eat a day?
im really not consistent at all. usually 2 actual meals. with snacking and such inbetween
55. Is your tongue pierced?
nope
56. Do you always read MySpace bulletins?
nope
58. Do you like funny or serious people better?
usually funny. you can't take life too seriously.
59. Ever been to L.A.?
nope
60. Did you eat a cookie today?
nope
61. Do you use cuss words in other languages?
not really..
62. Do you steal or pay for your music downloads?
i don't pay for shit
63. Do you hate chocolate?
i don't hate it... but im not a huge fan
64. What do you and your parents fight about the most?
how my dad never does anything
65. Are you a gullible person?
i don't think so?
66. Do you need a boyfriend/girlfriend to be happy?
nope
67. If you could have any job (assuming you have the skills) what would it be?
i really don't know. maybe a famous saxophone/violin player who plays tangos with some friends and travels around the world. something like that...
68. Are you easy to get along with?
i think so
69. What is your favorite time of day?
night |
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| (no subject) |
[Jan. 17th, 2007|03:14 am] |
I'm back at school. Its really surreal for some reason. I didn't think it was gonna be a big deal at all, I mean I've been going back and forth from school and home quite a few times now I should be used to this right? I was in a good mood, and then the second I walked into my dorm I just got super depressed somehow. It was really quiet, and it felt really lonely. Oh and I finally realized what people meant when they say Hodgdon smells awful. And my room smelled awful too. So I'm keeping the windows open even tho its f'in cold outside. I was perfectly content with not have a real winter. Even though I do like snow... snow should just be warmer or something. Anyway, maybe having independence again is actually scaring me? Not having someone to tell me I should eat or wow its late why aren't you asleep. Or just having someone around. Its I don't know. And now just realizing all of this stuff i have to get done. So much administrative stuff. finding an advisor, applying to stuff etc. just ugh. oh and classes... which I guess should be better this semester since I'm pretty much just taking a bunch of psychy classes. wooo. we'll see.
I have this pretty much permanent headache and its annoying. It feels like someone is trying to smush my skull in or something. I dunno... And advil isn't helping at all.
I keep having nightmares. Sometimes I don't even remember them, but I just know it was a nightmare because I wake up so relieved. The last one I remember.. I accidently chopped off my friends finger. Just really weird stuff.
I'm gonna try and change some things/keep some goals for this semester such as:
-opening the window more often so I actually see daylight
-leaving my room more often
-actually studying/doing work for classes
-actually going to class
-try to go to the gym at least 4 times per week
-not be lazy
-improve my eating habits- mainly eat healthier
-leave Tufts campus more often
-not getting wasted as often
-have more willpower |
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